Ladies, remove your hats and place your black armbands around your biceps. Jemaine Clement is off the market.

No, I didn’t know about this until today, OK? And yes, it happened in August. Stop being such a stickler for details. Apparently he married his “long-time girlfriend” and then they had a “baby.” All I know is that SOMEONE I know saw him at a certain STRIP CLUB where he REFUSED TO GET A LAP DANCE and instead insisted on TALKING. Dammit!

So last night I went to a pretty crappy burlesque show. It’s hard to be bad when you get your tits out, and it’s particularly hard when you have a total pollyanna in the audience like me. I was there to love it, not to judge.

Yet somehow, these ladies were boring. Understand how very hard that is to accomplish. Half naked and boring. Anyway, the point is not that. The point is that halfway into the evening, as I was sitting at the bar next to two obnoxious eastside gay boys (One had on a summer scarf. Nuff said) out of the corner of my eye I saw a glorious sight, and it was von Teese. She is a vision, friends. A vision. And so at the close of the next set, when I was forced into departure by my boyfriend (my BOYFRIEND MADE ME LEAVE the free boob show. That’s how bad it was.) I saw Teese going into the ladies room. I’m not proud of what I did next, but I’ll tell you anyway. I followed her in. And then I peered under the stall to look at her feet.

I ran into her at the sink, natch - she washed with soap. But she vanished as quickly as she showed up. All you need to know is that I peed next to Dita von Teese.

This evening I thought I crapped my pants. Literally. I farted a few times and they were so rank and wet that I swore I let a little slip. Wowza, distressing. 

Can I just say that getting old is disgusting. I can’t eat anything without feeling like I’m going to crap myself, when I drink I get horrible hangovers like I’ve been road hard and put away wet. Plus, let’s talk about this fact: it’s BOGUS that I’m pushing dirty thirty and I have wrinkles AND zits. What the fuck. That just isn’t judicious by any means. One or the other would suffice. 

Any who, I’ve managed to avoid defecating on the white couch this evening. Well done, if I say so myself. Happy Jew Year. 

It’s hard to believe that things could be so polar opposite on the other side of the world, and yet so sadly similar. As our lame-duck president works hard to eliminate reproductive health care to the best of his ability, in China abortions are being forced on unwilling women.

Arzigul Tursun, who’s in her 26th week of pregnancy, has been told by authorities that she must terminate her pregnancy, because she’s reached the government-enforced limit on children already (she has two with her husband).

For someone who has worked in reproductive health care and heard every argument against abortion known to man, I’m still finding this shocking. I can’t imagine what this woman will go through; to me, it’s not far from torture. And it’s being inflicted by her own government, which in theory (in theory) should be protecting the interests of it’s own citizens. Sick.

For the past months I have been working my tail off to defeat the nasty parental notification initiative on our ballot. THANK YOU to all who helped and who voted NO on Prop 4! We did it!!!!!! 

I am so inspired by the way in which this country came out in support of the most inspiring Presidential candidate (might I say) EVER, that I am having graphic dreams about him… Creepy? I kinda’ think so- and if I could control myself, I would. 

My friend eased my concerns a tad by suggesting that maybe this is just the most amazing knight-in-shining-armor fantasy one could ever hope for, and that it is triggering my most nerdy of dreams… which I can only hope must be happening to other women. PLEASE confirm, people, that I am not the ONLY total pervert who can’t stop fantasizing about Barack Obama. I mean, besides this chick (who is going down, by the way, cuz Obama is MINE). 

But let’s be real. On Thursday morning, my sleep-deprived, still a bit hung-over from the excitement of Tuesday night self drove out to Cal State Northridge to give a talk about advocacy work to a group of Social Work students. In the car, chugging my giant latte, I heard a really amazing piece on KPCC about a group of high school students who held a mock election on Tuesday-finding an awesome, positive way to channel the frustration of being too young to cast real votes in the most monumental election of their time. Now (disclaimer), in the wake of the Prop 4 defeat (wooohoooo!), lack of sleep, utter Obama joy, and devastation of the passage of Prop 8- I was particularly emotional- but the NPR story made me tear up. Here were 15, 16, 17 year olds so moved by this election that they just couldn’t help themselves but to cast ballots- mock or not. 

Many of them did much, much more during this campaign season as well. So many of them showed up to volunteer for me and many other organizers- made phone calls, canvassed, rallied and influenced adults to vote on their behalf. I am especially inspired by them this week. As I am only a decade or so their senior, I am scarred with a good deal of synicism, paranoia and let’s face it, have a few decent conspiracy theories in my back pocket. But for them, this is the beginning of their experience with politics- and it is in many ways truly their day. I am both jealous that this is their entry point, and excited for them- as I am for myself, my own children to be, and grandchildren. 

With that excitement comes a great deal of responsibility that we all share from this day forward. As Obama said in his victory speech on Tuesday night (and I paraphrase), this is the first step towards change, but not the change itself. This is our opportunity to give a little more, volunteer, reach across the proverbial isle in our own lives, and build a better future for ourselves, those teens, our children and grandchildren. This is our moment.

I wish that we could bottle the excitement from Tuesday- the joy that I felt knowing that all of the hours that we all put in paid off. I wish I could summon the goose bumps I got when my mom, sister and brother called me from Grant Park where they stood with thousands of fellow Obama supporters and watched our President elect take the stage with his family. But that moment has passed- and now what? 

I know what. Those Social Workers to be, high school students, and volunteers from all of these campaigns have got to shake off the exhaustion, and get back on the horse. We still have a TON to do- to repeal the marriage ban, continue to protect our reproductive rights, end the war in Iraq, and build a more just and unified globe. 

PLEASE don’t let all of the hours that you donated go to waste- get back in the game. Sign up to volunteer, make a difference locally, keep letting your voice be heard. Go here and make your personal pledge to do your part. If nothing else, email me if you’re at a loss- I have some ideas on how to keep this momentum going. 

Lots of love, appreciation, apprehension and joy. XO, sara. 

OK, yes, I know that tomorrow is election day everywhere. Thanks. But there’s some interesting stuff happening here in CA, and it’s all very close to Shady’s heart. We’ll be voting on 12 ballot initiatives, and at least two of them, aimed directly at the heart of human rights and social justice, would amend the California state constitution.

First, we have Proposition 4, which one half of Shady has been diligently working her tits off to defeat. Proposition 4 would require the parents of minors to be notified if they seek out an abortion, and it’s wrong on so many levels. In a cruel twist, it provides three supposed “options” for teens who can’t go to their parents: a judicial waiver; a parental waiver; and going to another family member, which would lead to a charge of abuse being filed against the teen’s parents. These three completely unworkable options will leave teens who need the most help with the least.

Proponents of the initiative have also made some ludicrous claims, including that the legal consequences of their actions will stop teens from having sex in the first place. I mean, maybe these people were born at the age of thirty. I don’t know. But I sure as shit can’t picture 16-year-old me pausing the make-out session to consider the very subtle and intricate ins and outs of a law that I wasn’t even old enough to vote on, and in all likelihood don’t know a damn thing about. Nope, most teens will find out about Prop 4 well after the fact, and then let’s just hope (as, apparently, the Yes on 4 campaign is doing) that they don’t have parents who abuse them, kick them out, or want to force them into carrying a pregnancy.

Then, we have Proposition 8, aptly titled “Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry.” I have yet to hear any good reason for eliminating the rights of anyone, and so far, the only thing that the Yes on 8 campaign can seem to come up with is that it will be taught in schools (God forbid every kid, including gays and lesbians, feel like school is a safe place for them…but that’s another story). And if that’s the best they’ve got, that’s not only sad, it’s scary - because it’s a lie. California schools are required to tell parents when they’re teaching sensitive stuff in the classroom, and that includes marriage. Parents can then opt their kids out of those lessons.

Have they made any legitimate arguments, you ask? Well, over and over, we’ve heard the no-longer-code phrase for “Vote yes if you think being gay is wrong”: “Protect Traditional Marriage.” If you think being gay is wrong, my advice is that you lock yourself safely inside your place of worship, since that’s likely where your feelings come from, and forget that the world outside exists. There, you will not be forced to interact with anyone who has any opposing views, nor will you have to accept anyone who seems even slightly different than you. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Now get on in there. Shady will happily slip refreshments under your door periodically.

Full disclosure, this is kind of old news, but here it is anyway: a group of strippers in L.A. (Shady’s home base) are suing the managers of some local strip clubs for damages. Strippers are generally hired as independent contractors, but with management-enforced rules like having to tip out bartenders and DJ’s, being told when to come in to work, and not being paid minimum wage, the suit alleges that the dancers in this case weren’t being treated as such.

This is awesome on so many levels. First of all, those kinds of stipulations are par the course at most strip clubs. So to speak up and bring it to court really isn’t just taking on a few managers, it’s taking on the entire industry and the way it treats dancers.

Also, bringing a lawsuit as a woman working in the sex industry takes b-a-l-l-s. Not only might you out yourself (if you care about that, which you might not), but you also run the risk of facing major discrimination (remember the OC woman who worked as a stripper, got sexually assaulted by a cop, and was then told by a jury that because of the nature of her work she “wanted it”?), not to mention that you are likely sacrificing your job. But talk about a worthy cause - if they win, it would be a huge victory, not just financially, but as recognition that women who work in the sex industry deserve equal protection under the law.

And finally, as an added bonus, word on the street is that the managers of some of the clubs named in the suit (Crazy Girls, Star Strip Too and Seventh Veil) are dickheads. Stealing from dancers, ripping off customers, groping and molesting girls, and randomly firing people for no reason. Not cool. So take that, asshole management of strip clubs - here’s wishing those women filing the lawsuit good luck, and a big thank you to them for calling out the unfair shit that happens all too often to dancing girls!

I’m not really one to complain about sexually graphic stuff, as you may have gathered. And this isn’t a complaint, really, but I have to say I was suddenly struck the other day by how explicit some very mainstream magazines have become. Imagine, if you will, the following scenario:

I’m sitting on the couch, enjoying a nice little Sunday and flipping through Cosmo (yes, glossy women’s magazines are my dirty little secret), when I come to an article about pleasing your man in the sack (haha, no pun intended). These are “tricks” for when you want to get really raunchy.*

So, OK. For starters, you’ve got your typical “rub the taint,” and for the nine billionth time, “squeeze your PC muscles.” Fair enough. Well, about ten tips down, I read the following: “While your man is on all fours, lower yourself under him and gently tilt his penis toward you so you can suck from underneath.”

Suck from underneath?!?!!? The phrase sort of made me gag, blush, and perspire all at once. That is some dirty shit! Suddenly I saw, in my mind’s eye, images of Cosmo of the 1950’s, when the most risque thing they wrote was probably something about you calling him, and here we are talking about enveloping your man from underneath. I mean, where do you go from there? What is Cosmo going to cover 20 years from now, giving him a home prostate exam?

Folks, this is probably one of the highest-selling women’s magazines in the country, and it’s basically saying that what all us ladies can relate to, when it comes right down to it, is sucking balls.

*I’m sorry, but who has the time? It’s hard enough for me and my man to find 30 minutes when one of us isn’t too tired to even knock boots in the first place. But to take the time to prep, like, handcuffs on the bed, or melted wax or something? Sorry.

In order to accentuate her diminutive body in the upcoming film “The Dutchess,” director Saul Dibb has decided to make Keira Knightley appear to be nothing but hat and hair. Full disclosure: Keira Knightley happens to be one of my pet peeves - other than melodramatically staring off into the distance and having an underbite, I’m not really sure what makes her such a great actress. Maybe there’s an answer somewhere under all that cranial fanfare. In the meantime, she looks like one of those big-headed animated girls in the Steve Madden ads from a few years ago that had everyone’s panties in a wad.

Is there something in this that pertains to negative images about normal sized bodies? I’m sure. But I can’t get past how silly she looks to get there.

You know, I think we all owe Katie Couric a big round of applause for this. She has conducted herself in a manner that not all of us would have been able to. In the face of abject stupidity, she has been professional, and yes - even courteous. Interviewing the Idiot on the Ticket, Sarah Palin, can’t have been easy, but she pulled it off with grace and dignity.

That said, Sarah Palin wants the deed and title to your womb, stat. No matter if you’re a grown woman or a teenage girl. From last night’s interview (above):

Katie Couric: If a 15-year-old is raped by her father, you believe it should be illegal for her to get an abortion.

Sarah Palin: I am pro-life, and I am unapologetic about my position….I would counsel her to choose life.

OK. So. I will say this. If you think abortion ends a life, that’s a pretty strong conviction, and I have to admit that I’ve wondered what happens when people with that conviction claim that abortion is wrong except in certain cases. Cause, really? If the life was conceived in a way that’s gruesome (i.e., rape or incest, that if you appear to condone you will look like the fascist that you are), then you’re suddenly OK with ending it?

If that’s not a political ploy, I don’t know what is. My guess is that if politicians who opposed abortion “except in certain scenarios” didn’t have to soften their stated beliefs to get elected, we’d have a lot of Sarah Palins on our hands. So kudos to her for not having been in the game long enough to know that she has to censor herself! And for thinking that she can just come on out and say that forced pregnancy is the best option for a 15-year-old who would then carry and bear her own sibling.